It was the best of signs, it was the worst of signs...

I have been driving my husband to work every day for a few months now because of a problem he has with his heel. I see a lot of reader boards. Some I like, some I don't like. The best one right now is in Gorst. Gorst is a weird little place. Of all the small towns in our country, I think Gorst (pronounced Gorst) is the worst (pronounced wurst). But this reader board is BEST OF SIGNS:

    ORGANIC GARDENING IS TILLING IT LIKE IT IS

Then there is the sign I came across in Bremerton the other day. It is on private property next to a business that has inadequate parking, so I can imagine the property owners have had to shoo away errant parkers a time or two. Here's what today's WORST OF SIGNS says:

             private property
           you cannot park here
           while you are getting
   lunch, dinner, or indigestion
   at the restaurant, or your car
               will be tolled


I applaud the humor in the sign (regarding the indigestion) but not the misspelling. Has someone not TOLD them cars park illegally get TOWED, not TOLLED, which is what happens to cars that go on TOLL bridges and TOLL roads?

That's all TILL next time.

Spa Day 2014

We wait for it all year. It is a once-in-a-year opportunity for the BVG's to relax and indulge ourselves in the art of pampering (not to be confused with the art of Pampering, something we all perfected back in the '70's and early '80's). We thought the day would never arrived, but then at 9:00 the morning of April 26, 2014, the BVG's gathered at Trankwility Woods (as we call my home) for Spa Day. This means a day of luxurious delights for us. We all contributed to the breakfast and lunch buffets. We sipped mimosas in the morning hours, wine in the afternoon hours, nothing to excess, per usual, but with our usual flair. At 11:00 our two massage therapists arrived with their 'gear'----a massage table, a massage chair, foot and hand baths, paraffin dip containers, fragrant oils, towels and sheets. We had a schedule to follow, so we all knew where to be when. The massage table and massage chair were set up in my living room. When we weren't being worked on in there, we were resting in recliners in my family room and having either our feet or hands cared for. Heaven for me is being sprawled out, or rather forward, in the massage chair having my neck, shoulders and upper back worked on while listening to soft piano music on my stereo. I have to say, the massage I received this year was without a doubt my best massage ever. I went straight from my living room to my recliner in my family room, grabbing first my soft, luxurious blanket to wrap myself in while extending myself back into the most relaxing recliner position possible. And then I mumbled to my dear sisters, "I'm not talking to anyone." Talk about being relaxed to the max!! I was somewhere in la-la land 40 minutes later when I heard a quiet voice gently ask, "Are you ready to soak your feet?" The soaking, the paraffin dip, the oils, they are all very nice. But the 'wow factor" for me was the most incredible foot massage ever that nearly sent me into oblivion. By the time my foot massage was completed, all four of us were in recliners in the family room, barely able to speak or to move because we were so deliciously relaxed. In fact, when our two wonderful therapists appeared together in the family room, ready to leave, we could only muster weak waves but also very appreciative expressions of thanks. And I, the hostess, who should have seen them to the door, could only say, "You know the way out. Goodbye for this year. We all love and appreciate you." They had been paid earlier, so what did they care that no one got up to send them off? In fact, I think they surveyed the situation and said, "Our work here is done, and it was definitely a success." We were so sacked out, we might still be in those recliners today had I not suddenly remembered, "Oh! I forgot to take the banana bread out of the Crock Pot!" This was enough to get us all up to prepare our lunch of seafood (shrimp or smoked salmon) salad, and for this we fancied things up and sat in the dining room. Part of the reason for that was that our facials would happen after lunch, and that would be at my kitchen table. After such a fabulous day, I kind of wish we had just stopped at lunch, because we were on such a roll. The facials, I thought, were worthy of being on an episode of "I Love Lucy," but we should call it "I Love Firstelle," because it was my idea. Cool did fine with her clay mask, but I convinced Elletu and j that my recipe for an 'all natural facial mask' was a good idea. Let me just say that a mixture of avocado, honey and uncooked oatmeal will NOT stay on the face but will rather keep dropping off in clumps down a cleavage or on a lace tablecloth, or, in our case, both. What a mess! The avocado makes it so greasy that cucumber slices will not adhere to the eye sockets very well. It could be our uncontrolled laughter had something to do with it. I kept asking, "Whose dumb idea was this???" which was meant to be a rhetorical question, but they answered me just the same. I didn't like their tone when they would reply, "YOURS!" I must say, the clay mask left Cool's skin looking radiant, but the rest of us noticed absolutely zero improvement in ours after the avocado fiasco. For the record, I did not make up the mask recipe, but you can be sure I have destroyed it, and it will not be invited back to Spa Day 2015. The BVG's really didn't leave on a low note. Nine hours together, and not a harsh word between us. We can't MASK the fact that we love each other and treasure the time we spend together. We will look back on this and remember Spa Day 2014 with deep fondness, the facial fiasco notwithstanding.

Thank you, BVG's, and now the countdown begins to April 2015. Can't wait!

Headline News

I started reading the newspaper, cover to cover, when I was just nine years old. I border on being obsessed with keeping up with the news, not just local and national but even for areas where we used to live. Nowadays I prefer to get my news online or on my phone so I don't have to bother with recycling newspapers. On days like today, when I am in a big rush (as I have been for a few weeks now), I'm too busy to read full articles. So I skim the headlines, wanting to be 'in the know' even when I am 'on the go.' It works. Who needs more than this?

* Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* House Passes Gas Tax onto Senate
* Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
* Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
* William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
* Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
* Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
* Famer Bill Dies in House
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
* Panda Mating Fails---Veterinarian Takes Over
* Child's Stool Great Use in Garden
* Eye Drops Off Shelf
* Squad helps Dog Bite Victim
* Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
* Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
* Autos Killing 110 a Day; Let's Resolve to do Better
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Man is Fatally Slain
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

With that, I'm ready to run off to my busy day away from the house. It always feels good to be up on the news. However, I am going to be worried about that poor grandchild maimed by his grandma. I will be especially careful not to jaywalk while I'm out, just in case the police are out there. I will keep away from government buildings and have no plans to attend a funeral any time soon. Sad news about that jury--I will have to talk to Cool about that later, as she will surely have the sad details. Mr. Kelly should be ashamed of himself! Will look for white powdery substance when I am out and about today. I don't think I have to fear cocaine as much as I might milk drinkers. My children never rode a school bus, but for sure I wouldn't allow it now. I guess eventually we won't have to fear the Chinese Army, at least what's left of them. Sad news about Farmer Bill, although I never knew him. Wow, too bad about that Iraqi guy. Kinda hard to hug without arms, yeah? And ouch for Queen Mary!! Ouch for the panda!!! I'm into recycling, but this new garden aid, I don't know, it doesn't seem right to me. I've heard of a 'wandering eye,' but what was it doing on a shelf? A dog bite would be bad enough, but a squad bite, now that is vicious! I remember a Stephen King move, "Christine." That car could talk. So when a cow is mad, hide the axes--got that. Stay away from Mexican BBQ's--got that? Personally, I don't believe we will have to work per se in heaven. Miners perhaps have to go to the 'other place.' Can you imagine wasting 18 years standing at a checkout counter? I'm always in too big a rush to do that. What do we have to do to get that number up to 115? Duh! War doesn't exactly do much for peace, but you know, hope springs eternal. Send in John Kerry! Death does kind of stunt your productivity. Cold is relative. 63 is cold in Honolulu, but it signals a heat wave in Seattle. Oh, too bad the slain man ended up a fatality. And again I say, "Duh!" Prior to the plane crash, something did apparently go wrong, even drastically wrong. I hope the experts were paid well to do their study.

Learning to write proper headlines is a specific course of study in journalism education. I studied journalism in school, and I was the feature editor of our school newspaper. We learned the right way and the wrong way to write headlines. Several years down the road I came across the best example of the wrong way. A tribute to civil rights leader Rosa Parks was being dedicated in Seattle, and the day after the ceremony this headline appeared in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
                                   Rosa Parks Bust Unveiled
I don't know how that got by the editor, but I would hope the headline writer was chastised at some point. I know I laughed at the time I saw this, but today we would have to refrain because of political correctness.

Here are some favorites, actual headlines, found online:

Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died
Student Excited Dad Got Head Job
Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement
Lady Jacks Off to Hot Start in Conference
Bugs Flying Around with Wings are Flying Bugs
Republicans Turned Off by Size of Obama's Package
Illiteracy an Obstable, Study Fnds
Tiger Woods Plays with Own Balls, Nike Says
A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt
Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Marijuana Issue Sent to a Joint Committee
Woman Missing Since She Got Lost
Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives New Attorney
Mayor to Homeless: Go Home
Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police
Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

Welcome to our first BVGOOO!

She's here! Our first Bethel Valley Girls' offspring's offspring's offspring (BVGOOO) arrived safely the morning of May 1, 2014, and here is a picture of her not long after her birth. Joyful and loving congratulations to Elletu, who is now a great-grandmother! We considered Photoshopping a little cucumber slice over the eyes of this precious little angel in order to keep with our blog policy. Not only did we deem it unnecessary, this picture is too perfect to mess with. Welcome to our world, beautiful little BVGOOO. We love you already!

Route 66

My birthday was two days ago, April 22, better known as Earth Day, so my daughter always calls me and says, "Happy B-earthday, Mom!" We BVG's love BVG Demographics, and here's a new one:

50% of the BVG's are now 66

And here are two more:

75% of the BVG's are in their 60's

75% of the BVG's watch "American Idol"

But back to my birthday, or more specifically, being 66. One friend kindly said to me, "Well, it's better than being 666," and she wasn't referring to 666 years old. Then she said, "Sorry, the devil made me say it."

It has occurred to me that come this September I will be the only one of my siblings still in her 60's. Wasn't it just the other day I was the only one left in her teens? Her 20's? Her 30's? Her 40's? Her 50's? I have two older brothers and two older sisters. This year they will be 77, 74, 72 and 70. Funny how those ages used to sound so very old. Not so anymore.

And what of 66? It's really not a milestone year like 65 was. My motto last year was "Sixty-five and staying alive!" It was a milestone because my husband and I and many of our friends signed up for Medicare. I could say that turning 66 is momentous because this is the year the Class of '66 turns 66. But my sister Lin sent this birthday message to me, and she summed up beautifully what this coming year should mean to me, and this is exactly how I am going to approach it.

                                              ROUTE 66

Heaven & Earth join forces this day to place YOU on an exalted plane...
Let's call it ROUTE 66...
I hear it is scenic and famous and winding and long,
So it will be a very lovely journey for you to take.
Take your time to enjoy the ride,
For you will be on this road for an entire year!
It will not be lonely at all, I assure you,
For your fellow travelers will be well chosen,
To bring you maximum pleasure and remarkable joy.
Look for me along the way, too,
For I have plans to cheer you on throughout the year-long drive.

Thank you to my sister for these inspiring words.

And thank you to the Bethel Valley Girls for my birthday luncheon at Home Made Café and for their willingness and excitement to join me on this journey along Route 66. I think they remember the line from the 1946 song, "Route 66," (it's older than I am!!) that says, "Get your kicks on Route 66." In the coming year I will be keeping track on our blog just what kind of 'kicks' j and I are getting out of being 66.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Route_66_(song)

Senility Prayer

        SENILITY PRAYER

GOD, GRANT ME THE SENILITY...

WHOA, THAT WAS FAST!!!!!

Trankwility Prayer