I started reading the newspaper, cover to cover, when I was just nine years old. I border on being obsessed with keeping up with the news, not just local and national but even for areas where we used to live. Nowadays I prefer to get my news online or on my phone so I don't have to bother with recycling newspapers. On days like today, when I am in a big rush (as I have been for a few weeks now), I'm too busy to read full articles. So I skim the headlines, wanting to be 'in the know' even when I am 'on the go.' It works. Who needs more than this?
* Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* House Passes Gas Tax onto Senate
* Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
* Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
* William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
* Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
* Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
* Famer Bill Dies in House
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
* Panda Mating Fails---Veterinarian Takes Over
* Child's Stool Great Use in Garden
* Eye Drops Off Shelf
* Squad helps Dog Bite Victim
* Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
* Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
* Autos Killing 110 a Day; Let's Resolve to do Better
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Man is Fatally Slain
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
With that, I'm ready to run off to my busy day away from the house. It always feels good to be up on the news. However, I am going to be worried about that poor grandchild maimed by his grandma. I will be especially careful not to jaywalk while I'm out, just in case the police are out there. I will keep away from government buildings and have no plans to attend a funeral any time soon. Sad news about that jury--I will have to talk to Cool about that later, as she will surely have the sad details. Mr. Kelly should be ashamed of himself! Will look for white powdery substance when I am out and about today. I don't think I have to fear cocaine as much as I might milk drinkers. My children never rode a school bus, but for sure I wouldn't allow it now. I guess eventually we won't have to fear the Chinese Army, at least what's left of them. Sad news about Farmer Bill, although I never knew him. Wow, too bad about that Iraqi guy. Kinda hard to hug without arms, yeah? And ouch for Queen Mary!! Ouch for the panda!!! I'm into recycling, but this new garden aid, I don't know, it doesn't seem right to me. I've heard of a 'wandering eye,' but what was it doing on a shelf? A dog bite would be bad enough, but a squad bite, now that is vicious! I remember a Stephen King move, "Christine." That car could talk. So when a cow is mad, hide the axes--got that. Stay away from Mexican BBQ's--got that? Personally, I don't believe we will have to work per se in heaven. Miners perhaps have to go to the 'other place.' Can you imagine wasting 18 years standing at a checkout counter? I'm always in too big a rush to do that. What do we have to do to get that number up to 115? Duh! War doesn't exactly do much for peace, but you know, hope springs eternal. Send in John Kerry! Death does kind of stunt your productivity. Cold is relative. 63 is cold in Honolulu, but it signals a heat wave in Seattle. Oh, too bad the slain man ended up a fatality. And again I say, "Duh!" Prior to the plane crash, something did apparently go wrong, even drastically wrong. I hope the experts were paid well to do their study.
Learning to write proper headlines is a specific course of study in journalism education. I studied journalism in school, and I was the feature editor of our school newspaper. We learned the right way and the wrong way to write headlines. Several years down the road I came across the best example of the wrong way. A tribute to civil rights leader Rosa Parks was being dedicated in Seattle, and the day after the ceremony this headline appeared in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
Rosa Parks Bust Unveiled
I don't know how that got by the editor, but I would hope the headline writer was chastised at some point. I know I laughed at the time I saw this, but today we would have to refrain because of political correctness.
Here are some favorites, actual headlines, found online:
Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died
Student Excited Dad Got Head Job
Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement
Lady Jacks Off to Hot Start in Conference
Bugs Flying Around with Wings are Flying Bugs
Republicans Turned Off by Size of Obama's Package
Illiteracy an Obstable, Study Fnds
Tiger Woods Plays with Own Balls, Nike Says
A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt
Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Marijuana Issue Sent to a Joint Committee
Woman Missing Since She Got Lost
Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives New Attorney
Mayor to Homeless: Go Home
Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police
Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
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